For real?
I was going through some of my old stuff and found a paper entitled… “What I Want In the New Roommate Contract With explanation.”
It is a list compiled by my freshman year roommate. She typed it up, printed it out, and left it on my bed for me to find. She didn’t have the balls to actually say any of these things to me and I thought it would be good to put it out on the internet in case I lose the hard copy and need a laugh.
Here it is, word for word, for your enjoyment and amusement. (In italics are my retorts.)
1. When I want to study, I expect you to be quiet and respect that. I am not able to study in the library because to me, it is not a comfortable study environment. (If she had ever said anything about my noise level or actually ASKed me to pipe down, I probably would have.)
2. Please ask before using my things. I know that last semester, you were allowed to use my DVDs, but now that I have moved them, I would like you to ask permission before you get them so that you aren’t climbing on my bed. (Again, something she could have just asked right out, no note needed. She seems to imply that I would climb on her bed in dirty shoes or something.)
3. If I say that the room smells funny, please try to figure out why. I clean compulsively when I think it smells in here. (I am, nor have I ever been, a dirty, smelly person. I have no idea what she was “smelling”, but I would never intentionally allow the room to smell just to bug her. I probably should have though, she was a nut… if you haven’t figured that out already… if you haven’t, read on.)
4. Please don’t scatter things on the bottom bunk. I know that no one lives there, but when someone comes in, it looks messy. (We lived in a triple and she drove out our third roommate before October, she insisted that she have the single bed. I didn’t care, but therefore I used the bottom bunk as extra storage, aka where I threw things because I’m lazy and a little messy.)
5. When I want to sleep, please turn the television down to the point that it will not disturb me. I know that in the past you have tried to do this, but most of the time, it is still not low enough and I really need my sleep. (I turned down the television to the point of mute and used subtitles, how is that too loud?)
6. Please don’t watch tv or have the light on too late. I have a hard time falling asleep. (I’m a night owl, always have been. But had she come to me like a normal person and asked, I would probably have accommodated… I’m not unreasonable.)
7. It bothers me that you watch standup so much. Yes, comedians are funny, but they stop being funny after a while. (Are you kidding me? I was on a standup kick, I used it as background noise when I studied a lot of the time. It was my TV, but if she would have asked to watch something else, that would have been fine too.)
8. If you are going to be gone for a while other than for class, please let me know about when you will be back. I know that you don’t go and disappear very often, but it is nice to know a roundabout place or time. (I’m sorry, are you my mom? Am I a child? No? Didn’t think so. Shall I get one of those ankle bracelets so you can know where I am all the time? Crazy bitch.)
And here’s the best one, saved the best for last apparently…
9. If I am doing something that requires privacy, please grant it. Sometimes I feel like I am being watched, maybe I am just paranoid, but please grant me my privacy. (Yes, that’s right.. she thought I watched her undress or whatever. Bitch please, you were not all that. She tried to spread the rumor that I was a lesbian that year. Nope, not a lesbian… just was overweight and had poor self-esteem, that’s why no boys.)
She summed it all up with…
I know that you may be a little irritated by this action (understatement), and for that I apologize, but the fact of the matter is that I am a big wuss and have a problem with confronting people.
This girl was possibly my worst roommate ever. I’ve had some doozies since then, including one that threatened me with bodily harm and screamed at me at a party in front of almost all of our friends… good times.
Sorry for the long post, but wow it’s had to be posted in its entirety for full effect. What a lunatic.
